My dear Friends,

How often do you underestimate your talents in a specific area or insist on a situation as factual?

Did you know most people think they have a great sense of humour? A study by Cornell University actually found out few people actually do.

We are talking about self-delusion. We all practice it to varying degrees, ignoring the destructive or self-sabotaging element.

But how do we get there in the first place, and more importantly, how can we end up falling prey to self-delusion?

About

Self-delusion is defined as the act of lying to yourself or of making yourself believe things about yourself that aren´t really true.

It is self-delusion to be convinced to have full control over spending habits, despite having substantial credit card debts.

The cause is not the person’s cultural or religious background or the level of intelligence. But, we use our hopes, needs, desires, theory, ideologies, prejudices, expectations, or memories to construct the way we see ourselves.

“Nothing is so difficult as not deceiving yourself.”

Ludwig Wittgenstein, Austrian Philosopher

Propping up self-esteem

Ego defence is an unconscious process that we deploy to diffuse the fear and anxiety that arise when we think who we are, comes into conflict with who we really are. Repression, reaction formation, and projection take over, reflections of self-defence.

The combinations and circumstances in which we use these tools reflect our personality. The self is the sum of its ego defences.

Self-delusion itself is not a bad thing; it can serve people as a psychological basis for self-confidence and hope. We are emotionally and mentally weak and therefore have a tendency to deny reality.

The more we fall into that trap, the more difficult it becomes to face the truth about situations and life in general. Instead of facing reality, we try to make ourselves feel better by lying and deceiving ourselves.

Freud believed that self-delusion was a necessary element of all defence mechanisms that an individual might engage in to protect herself from the conflict that arose between the conscious and unconscious mind.

“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”

Fjodor Dostojewski, Russian poet

A question of self-sabotage

We try to deceive ourselves all the time. However, the lies we tell ourselves do us more harm than we realize. It is in our nature to deny evidence and logic when we believe the truth to be unpleasant.

Self-delusion is a favourite of those who don´t like the idea of change and can’t let go of old beliefs and habits. Fear of the unknown makes us want to stay in our comfort zones. We start lying to ourselves when we are not ready to face reality when it may be upsetting and unfavourable.

The very tricky forms

^{Procrastination}

Consider a person who knows that she is overdue in addressing her personal financial planning. She knows about her lack of financial literacy, has difficulties discussing the matter with her husband, and lacks the confidence to take action.

What became increasingly obvious to me was that telling ourselves lies — from the minuscule to the enormous — came with profound consequences for ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities.”

Cortney S. Warren, Author, and Psychologist

This person knows this could have dire consequences for her. So she bought tons of self-help books. However, she never got around to reading one. She researched financial advisors but never contacted them.

For years she pledged to get professional advice tomorrow, talk with her husband and set aside 20 minutes every day to improve her financial literacy. Tomorrow she will make the same promise, and the day after, and so forth. Procrastination is self-delusion, albeit a tricky form.

Denial

A person experiences something traumatic such as domestic abuse. She tells herself that it isn’t really happening. She plays the “happy family game”. Because she is financially dependent, she denies it as a matter of survival.

This kind of self-delusion moves from being intentional to unintentional. As is often the case in abuse, the victim gets it wrong about what she can or cannot do.

This kind of self-delusion may be life-threatening and is definitely a form of self-sabotage!

A burden for anyone

The self-enhancer tries to hide flaws from themselves. They are sensitive to criticism and therefore keep people at a distance. Extreme measures are taken to avoid possible negative feedback that might alter their overly positive view.

People who are dishonest with themselves refuse to acknowledge the truth and turn a blind eye towards reality. This results in making poor decisions in life based on false assumptions and distorted facts. This can result in acting in ways or making decisions that may be morally wrong, but they do not realize it.

More broadly, someone who over or-underestimates abilities, misapprehension feelings, or fails to understand how we might come across to others is a burden for anyone.

Impaired happiness

What bad could come from not understanding our limitations? Experts say that a lack of self-awareness can impair our happiness and limit our success. Artificially propping up self-esteem may provide a temporary mental boost. However, in the long run, it stunts someone’s social and personal well-being.

There is strong scientific evidence that people who know themselves and how others see them are happier. They are smarter, superior students and more successful in their private lives and careers. They also tend to be more creative, confident and less aggressive.” 

Our capacity for both empathy and introspection is what allows us to be self-aware. It’s what allows us to look at ourselves through someone else’s eyes. In the absence of self-awareness, we can be stricken with self-delusion.

“We would all benefit by shifting our focus from seeing pain as bad to seeing pain as motivation to change.”

Cortney S.Warren, Author and Psychologist

Attuned to succeed

Humans possess the ability to turn our gaze inward, to scrutinise our own thoughts, feelings, ambitions, strengths, and weaknesses. Our capacity for both empathy and introspection is what allows us to be self-aware. It’s what allows us to look at ourselves through someone else’s eyes.

It takes a great deal of patience, determination, and courage to overcome the habit of self-delusion. You cannot fix everything overnight; it requires continuous effort daily.

1. Check in with yourself for five minutes each day.

Avoid churning through your thoughts and emotions—that can lead to over-analysis, frustration, and anxiety. Instead, spend a few minutes observing your feelings.

2. Ask others “Why are you friends with me?”

We can learn a lot about ourselves by asking our peers what they think of us. It takes a lot of courage to ask your friends what they think of you—but it can pay off.

3. Practice Self-acceptance

Practice self-acceptance or self-compassion. Understanding your subjective reality and choosing to like yourself anyway. This leads us away from delusional beliefs that we are perfect regardless of the objective reality.

4. Kick the “Why”

Stop asking “why?” to examine the causes of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. It often puts us in a victim mentality. What is more, it can stimulate us to invent reasons to confirm our existing beliefs about ourselves.

So how bad is it?

So, how bad is it? I guess, if used occasionally to prop up a hurt ego, it is acceptable. But walking through life with a constant lie is probably not such a good thing and is very exhausting. Remember, reality always catches up with you!

So bother the honest friends from time to time and run the occasional self-check- up with them.